A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington , DC . Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?" "Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter.They are demanding a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
The man replies: "About a gallon."
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Things you have to believe in order to
be a Republican today:
1-Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,
a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him,
a good guy when
Cheney did business with him
and a bad guy when Bush couldn't find Bin
Laden
2 - Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist,
but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international
harmony.
3 - The United States should get out of the United
Nations, and
our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions
against Iraq.
4 - A woman can't
be trusted with decisions about her own body,
but multi-national
corporations can make decisions affecting all
mankind without regulation.
5 - Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals,
Michael Moore and Hillary Clinton.
6 - The best way to improve
military morale is to praise the
troops in speeches while slashing
veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7 - If condoms are kept out of
schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8 - A good way to fight
terrorism is to belittle our long-time
allies, then demand their cooperation
and money.
9 - Claiming to provide health care to all Iraqis is
sound
policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
10 - HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the
public a heart.
11 - Giving money to the poor is called "welfare"
and it is bad
because they don't need it.
Giving money to the very
rich is called "tax breaks", and it is
good because they do need it.
12- Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science,
but creationism should be taught in public schools.
13 - A president
lying about an extramarital affair is a
impeachable offense. A president
lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense
policy.
14 - Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution (which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet).
15 - Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime
for which
people should go to jail.
Unless you're a wealthy
conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness, and you need our prayers for
your recovery.
16 - The public has a right to know about Hillary's
cattle
trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
17 - What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national
interest. What Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant
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