THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TAB.... by Totally Ass Backwards

In the interest of putting a stop to the daily hostilities that erupt between men and women, on a global scale mind you, I feel it's time I sat you ladies down and we had us a little heart to heart. You see, we men have been talking, and between our drunken ramblings about football and sports cars, we've decided that it's time for you to stop with these silly little games which are designed to catch us off guard. You know what I'm talking about. Those little questions that are asked, seemingly in innocence, but which contain more destructive force than a thousand suns. Questions like, "Do you think she's pretty?" are an unmitigated attack on the male policy to not utter a syllable if it might get us in trouble.

Now, as a precautionary measure, I don't answer any questions. I will only respond to direct statements or thinly veiled sexual metaphors, and even then the best you're going to get from me is a curt nod and a firm handshake before you are whisked off to the boudoir. Despite this, I do know that there are no good answers to most of these pop quizzes you're all so fond of. In the interest of enlightenment and improving inter-gender relations, I will present to you the most popular of these questions and explain why we can't answer them.

Do I look fat in this?

Now, I'm almost entirely sure that only characters on early 90s sitcoms and modern commercials use this one. It's so cliché and used up that it should make one vomit rage to even think of speaking it. But that doesn't mean you can't just have some fun with the sentence. The forms, "Look fat in this, do I?” and, "If I were to look fat in something, would it be this?" are still totally fine. Grammar can be your friend everybody. This is a serious trap because you know very well if you look fat in something. Ditto for looking good or professional. One of the things that women have topped most of the male race on is fashion, more specifically, the ability to critique one's self. You know how something looks when you buy it and you darn well know how it looks when you try it on. I will not answer this question based sheerly on principle. You ladies know what we have to say, and you know that we're going to say it. There's no mystery in this conversation for either of us and, since it lacks the necessary ingredient of sating my thirst for new and relevant knowledge, I say this conversation is due for the scrap heap.

Do you think she is pretty?

Perhaps the most insidious of them all, this little nugget is a guaranteed fight starter. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day the answer to this question will explode out of some forgotten realm and come back to bite us gents in the fanny. We really can't answer it because to cover all of the necessary bases in a response would take too darned long: "Do I, a fellow who has never had an indiscretion in his life and who is entirely loyal to you, his lady love, think that that girl is pretty? Well speaking in purely scholastic terms and while conveying no intent through these words..." Wordy, isn't it? We could be married and divorced in the time it would take to safely answer this question.

Is that how (insert ex-girlfriend’s name here, we'll call her "Jennifer") did it?

Now calm down you perverts, this doesn't have to be a tawdry question. It can extend to how you like your eggs cooked, or what side of the shower the soap should be on, as well as being naughty. Really, it's unfair in every sense of the word, to pull this stuff on us. Because unlike the others, where you can spew out a tired and overused response, or rattle out a dictionary length explanation, not answering this one will get us in just as much trouble as answering it. I think we can all agree that you aren't "Jennifer," and there is a reason that your fella is with you instead of her. Maybe he likes you, but maybe he also likes the way that "Jennifer" would fold towels. He's not trying to turn you into "Jennifer." He just likes his eggs sunny-side up.

Does this make me look older or younger?

Run like hell on this one..could be a new hair style, new makeup, new dress, or any number of things..If you say "younger" she is going to assume you think she looked old to start with, and if you say older she is going to think the same damn thing. This question is unanswerable and should be avoided at all cost...Just lie and say "Honey, you look just the same to me, beautiful as ever" and quickly change the subject by saying.."Where would you like me to take you to dinner tonight".

Selective honesty

Now as I understand it, there's been this crazy rumour circulating around, probably because of this blasted "Internet" thing, that honesty is the best policy. In all other things I would agree; movie taste, allergies, first, middle and last names. But this is one area where honesty is usually neither appropriate, nor helpful. So I say we scrap the whole bloody thing. You stop asking us questions that we're petrified of answering and we'll schedule one day out of the week where we won't watch porn or fart. Who’s making the bigger sacrifice? We may never know.